| | Damn, it's funny how much we change.
For weeks–longer than that obviously, but for our purposes it's easier to narrow it down to that time period–I've been struggling with the passage of time. Four years seemed to soar by in the blink of an eye. I was afraid that college would fly by just as fast as high school seemed to have: I still remember bits and pieces of things from the past few years as if they had occurred but a week ago. I still remember some of the things I did in middle school and think, has it really been over four YEARS since I stopped doing that?
But reading through this helped me overcome all of that. Just seeing how much really happened in those years–hidden in pages of text, public and private–that I would never have remembered otherwise... It's staggering, really. I've changed so much. Reading some of this, I can hardly imagine what I must have been thinking when I was writing it... Sometimes, it's impossible for me to believe that I am the same person as the girl who wrote dozens and dozens of these entries religiously in the span of two years.
And yet there are still pieces of me that think of the same things, struggle with the same problems, and try to express the same feelings as the 'me' that wrote these entries over the years. This brings me comfort. Even though I know I'll continue to change and evolve–for better or worse–continuously in the years, I will always have the same unique core that I developed as an individual somehow, years ago, without even realizing it.
If anyone is currently reading this, I can only imagine under what circumstances you've been brought to the Xanga page of a now college student, an old blog of a self-amused and over-stressed SoCal teen which has been relatively inactive for almost three years. In any case, perhaps you'd be interested in knowing that I've decided to publish my thoughts as a book. Not for you, silly, I don't expect you to be interested. I'm getting a copy for myself. I was astounded that none of my material has been deleted after so many months of no new updates... And then incredibly grateful. Reading back, I found so much material that helped me regain tremendous insights into myself: insights that were lost to me, and could have been lost to me forever had my work been destroyed. I don't expect this to be a work of literary merit, or something that is of any interest to anybody else. I simply want to immortalize my thoughts, for lack of a better word.
This way, maybe, one day, when I'm searching through all my college documents and textbooks after graduation from Stanford as a computer engineer, trying to decide what to bring with me on my new adventures in Hawaii, I might run into all this old new knowledge one more time, and it'll once again help ground me and remind me that things are going to be okay. |
| | Posted 11/7/2008 4:48 PM - 14 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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