illusence's Xanga

Friday, November 07, 2008

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 23:48:16 GMT

Damn, it's funny how much we change.
For weeks–longer than that obviously, but for our purposes it's easier to narrow it down to that time period–I've been struggling with the passage of time. Four years seemed to soar by in the blink of an eye. I was afraid that college would fly by just as fast as high school seemed to have: I still remember bits and pieces of things from the past few years as if they had occurred but a week ago. I still remember some of the things I did in middle school and think, has it really been over four YEARS since I stopped doing that?
But reading through this helped me overcome all of that. Just seeing how much really happened in those years–hidden in pages of text, public and private–that I would never have remembered otherwise... It's staggering, really. I've changed so much. Reading some of this, I can hardly imagine what I must have been thinking when I was writing it... Sometimes, it's impossible for me to believe that I am the same person as the girl who wrote dozens and dozens of these entries religiously in the span of two years.
And yet there are still pieces of me that think of the same things, struggle with the same problems, and try to express the same feelings as the 'me' that wrote these entries over the years. This brings me comfort. Even though I know I'll continue to change and evolve–for better or worse–continuously in the years, I will always have the same unique core that I developed as an individual somehow, years ago, without even realizing it.
If anyone is currently reading this, I can only imagine under what circumstances you've been brought to the Xanga page of a now college student, an old blog of a self-amused and over-stressed SoCal teen which has been relatively inactive for almost three years. In any case, perhaps you'd be interested in knowing that I've decided to publish my thoughts as a book. Not for you, silly, I don't expect you to be interested. I'm getting a copy for myself. I was astounded that none of my material has been deleted after so many months of no new updates... And then incredibly grateful. Reading back, I found so much material that helped me regain tremendous insights into myself: insights that were lost to me, and could have been lost to me forever had my work been destroyed. I don't expect this to be a work of literary merit, or something that is of any interest to anybody else. I simply want to immortalize my thoughts, for lack of a better word.
This way, maybe, one day, when I'm searching through all my college documents and textbooks after graduation from Stanford as a computer engineer, trying to decide what to bring with me on my new adventures in Hawaii, I might run into all this old new knowledge one more time, and it'll once again help ground me and remind me that things are going to be okay.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 07:24:43 GMT

music.
we relate everything back to ourselves, don't we? all those songs that make us feel... but what we feel is already inside us. nostalgia, longing, rage, hysteria, pure joy... anything from the slightest nagging at the back of your consciousness to a full-on slap in the face you never saw coming. but eveything, all of it, stems around YOU. whether it's self pity or satisfaction with yourself, anger or frustration at how others have hurt you, the emotions that are generated from songs surround you, your situation, your ambitions, failures, relations, your outlooks, you you you. and it all comes down to the basics. you listen to the words and they make you feel deep, and you suddenly feel as if you've discovered something about the world, something beautiful and concealed. you feel as if a void has been temporarily filled.. and it can make you beam with joy or cry with understanding. or one day you may hear the words and they have a different meaning now, and suddenly you realize how lonely and isolated you feel, and that pity sinks in. it could be another song. it could be the same one. music is very iridescent. you look at it from a different angle in order to see the exact shade you want to. and sometimes you see the ones you try to avoid, the ones that point out your flaws and failures.

this isnt what i was trying to say.
its usually what i'm trying to say. damn the time.

the world. i feel the world

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 06:03:17 GMT

tranquility.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 05:10:53 GMT

i have never written anything so simultaneously loaded and dry before. i owe you an apology. i will not be used to channel hate. i feel like i've done something irreversible by spitting out those empty implications. but i can't help it. i can't ignore or forget the image of some white background as it molds around and caresses every letter. but those words won't disappear, in fact they're burned deeper into the page the longer you try to make them vanish. and now it's permanent.

it's so much more suiting to write it on a black background. something so dark and malevolent should never be so blatantly highlighted and urged on into the eyes and minds of everyone... it should be sucked and absolved back into the darkness from which it rose.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 22:43:35 GMT

it's like looking at yourself from the side. looking yourself square in the eye and thinking, is this what i want myself to be? what would you say? do you remember what you were thinking? do you even care? is it another deformed cry for attention so intricately, flawlessly pieced together on a lonely wednesday afternoon in the same old place, with the same old people gone, away, and waiting? waiting. day after day for something to break through. starting AGAIN and again but always beaten down, laughing, mocked. it's there. where are you? i'm afraid of losing you just as i'm afraid that one day the sun will set and never rise again. i'm tired of waiting for tomorrow's dawn when it brings back the same heat with more intensity. have you ever thought it might one day explode? will the fall and winter soothe? or will it just wither. do just that. wither away. unnoticed by so many because it's just part of the cycle. you sure as hell managed to uphold that image of yours.

they may look so beautiful at first. so full of fucking meaning, a statement, a SCREAM out to the world that i'm fucking TOUGHER THAN YOU. you've sure managed to show it. congratulations, conformist. you're just like everyone else now. do you think it drains them too? do they lower their gaze and realize that material can't penetrate what they're trying to kill? you have to find that silver stake before trying to drive it through the source and seeing it disintegrate to dust....either way. but you're not ready to let it go and watch it die, are you? if a surface scrape ignites so much weakness and insecurity, imagine what the termination of everything but a tiny speck will do. you're not tougher than anyone. you're not even thougher than yourself.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 01:02:07 GMT

I stole this from Lucy cause I'm borrred. :)

1. Where were you 1 hour ago?
in my room, probably the same spot

2. Who will be your next kiss?
oh wow i really have NO idea who it could possibly be....

3. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
highlighter... work permit... evian bottle label... sticky notes

4. When is the last time you went to the mall?
a week or two ago

5. Are you wearing socks right now?
nope

6. When was the last time you went out of the state?
a bit over a week ago

7. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
yes i think so

8. What was the last thing you had to drink?
tangerine juice. so much better than orange juice.

9. What are you wearing right now?
nothing.... wink.

10. Have you been in a car wash?
when i was like 5

11. Last food you ate?
cold soup with parmesan

12. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
my mother

13. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
no not personally

14. Do you have a pet?
nope, but i really want a chicken

15. What's the last sporting event you watched?
HAH... there was that padres game in like june

16. What is your favorite class?
workout pe :D

17. If you could be anywhere right now where would you be?
switzerland

18. What is the last thing you purchased online?
dragonforce tickets, bitch

21. Are you a girl/ boy?
pretty sure i'm a boy

22. Last play you saw?
oh balls.. RENT?

23. What are your plans for tomorrow?
school, homework, andrea's party, homework

24. Who is the last person you commented on myspace?
i'm pretty sure it was kayla

25. Ever go to camp?
yes and i'm damn proud of it

26. Were you on the Honor Roll in school?
there's too many smart people at torrey. the honor roll would be like 5000 people

27.What do you KNOW about the future?
that we're ALL GONNA DIE!!

28. Are you wearing perfume or cologne?
nope

29. what time is it right now?
5:59 pm

30. Where is your best friend located?
in my head

31. Do you have a tan?
yeah ish

32. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
hopefully old enough to have lost my hearing so i dont have to listen to their shrieking for the rest of my life

33. Do you collect anything?
soda can tops, bottle caps, rocks, notes, ticket stubs

34. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
NEVERRR! hah... not yet at least

35. What kind of sheets do you have?
i dont know, but they're satin-y and nice

37. Do You Like Hot Sauce?
Not Really And I Also Don't Like Capitalizing Every Word

38. Last time you showered?
like an hour ago

39. Do you like someone?
yes. :) shh it's a secret.

40. What is your mood?
it's that feeling of relaxed and poised with a hint of upcoming anxiety looming in the back. it's nice but i doubt it'll last

41. Are you someones best friend?
i'm not sure, it'd be nice

42. What's the last Movie you watched?
snakes... on a plane!! no i think it was good will hunting

Friday, August 25, 2006

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 09:33:30 GMT

I really like myself sometimes. It's funny. I think I have so many problems. And then I read back about what I wrote about how I think I have so many problems and how I'm stupid to think that and there's a really easy solution to it all. And to me, it feels like every time the situation is different... but in reality, concepts and ideas can be applied to solve so many "different" situations, that in the end it becomes impossible not to accept the fact that fundamentally, the issues are all the same.

So I leave you [later me] with: today is a search for stability.
and it always will be.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 10:46:45 GMT

Chapter One. It's the feeling you get if you're walking through a misty forest at the very break of dawn. Or just before you drift off to sleep after spending your evening engulfed in page after page of a fantasy novel. The chill that follows after hearing an epic song, and the warmth that comes to you when you walk out onto an empty street during a warm summer night right after a light rain. It's a fleeting sensation of happiness, a moment you wish to stretch out into eternity and explore for the rest of your life. A brief glimpse of what all religions, beliefs, and individuals search for and strive so passionately to achieve. An instant that can save you from what seems like an endless period of sorrow and veer all your thoughts and feelings in the opposite direction. But that moment is always so microscopic on the scale of daily occurrences that seem to immediately initiate the recreation of the tension that might have finally faded for a short time with it.

Chapter Two. It's so amusing to watch the world through the eyes of someone who doesn't exist. A spectator. If a person could learn to alternate between the role of the spectator and the role of oneself, he or she would be practically indifferent to everyday drama and issues that others struggle with. All the things that taunt those who take their lives and individual existence too seriously, those who separate and define themselves from the world and the collective consciousness. Perhaps it's human nature that makes us feel as if each of us needs to be accepted, pitied, loved, etc. by all others. And when we can't produce a desired or appropriate response from a person, we draw unrealistic conclusions and create drama in order to make ourselves feel as if we have a lot of issues. Most individuals like to think they have difficult lives, and when someone doesn't respond to their plea for attention, they begin to question the other person's motives, intentions, and opinions, which in turn creates even more illogical drama. By taking an objective stance on life when a situation like this arises, a person becomes more in touch with the collective consciousness and can almost completely surpass this drama cycle by realizing that it doesn't actually exist, but depends entirely on perspective. See, while the person seeking a response from someone creates nonexistent problems for themselves, the one who is anticipated to give the response becomes less and less aware of the existence of an actual issue, and the situation diverts in a completely different direction while the real problem remains unsolved.

Chapter 3. So while those little bits of problems that we never get closure for may not directly bother us, they still linger in the back of our minds until they are erased by one of those rare moments, at which point more begin building up again. If we could only manage to take the feeling we have in that one instance and realize that that is the state a mind should be in, not bothered by trivial matters or clouded by self-pity and insignificant personal issues. If this was possible, so many people would lead satisfied and easy lives and be able to contribute a much greater amount of their energies to collective issues. Not only that, but a state of mind in which a person is free of problems and doubts, whether temporarily or permanently, makes you feel invincible. It makes you feel as if in that moment, nothing can touch you.
I somehow managed to find myself in that marvelous state of tranquility earlier today and it's one of the best feelings I've ever experienced. I can already feel it drifting away, fairly slowly but nevertheless steadily. If only I could find a way to hold onto it and share it with everybody before my mind reverts back to its default state of weariness, depression, frustration, jealously and suspicion.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 03:36:53 GMT

ok, this is so my third entry in like 20 mins, but i don't know where to write. or what to write about actually. so... let's try this..

EMPATHY.

is probably the only thing I can describe it as or narrow it down to. I'm not exactly sure how I got there or how long I'll be stuck in it, but as of right now it seems like it will always be nagging at the back of my mind, at least until some form of closure.
It's fascinating how a few words or a moment or a sequence of events can entirely change your outlook on something. How feelings are so inconstant that in one instant an object of such high reverence that it draws forth a sharp pang of detest, jealously, anger, and hysteria at its very mention can so simply and unnoticeably change into something that is on some level depressing, pitiable, and innocent of everything.
I suppose it's partially because one has aspects of the other within it, and no feeling is ever truly pure.
But this is something I couldn't possibly describe if I tried. I get exhausted and overwhelmed every time this battle rises up. One side is constantly beckoning me to keep holding on to this injustice, that is continuously taking place strictly within my own mind, with hate and prejudice towards something that has never ACTUALLY harmed me in any way. Simultaneously, I'm beginning to understand that my irrational feelings are most likely as far from reality as possible, and that in turn, I have been the one harming the existing situation with my justified yet essentially foul intentions, bringing down all that is involved.
Do I just enjoy creating drama and depression around whatever I put my mind to? These disgusting thoughts of payback and sabotage make me more disturbed by myself than I actually ever thought possible.
Maybe I can't fix, right or restore the situation, but perhaps that stage has passed. It's time to move on from it. But there's no reason for me to hold on to something so negative when no one else had ever even considered anything like it. I seriously feel like I owe life an apology.

I'm really sorry, life.

and I really feel that it's sincere for the moment. Outside of my paranoia, I am the only one with any hateful intent concerning the matter. I feel completely drained of the energy I invested in feeding the depths of my twisted imagination and of any mental and moral advancements I had made from the most primitive stage of human development. I hope this will finally allow me to face the fact that even if empathy is an incorrect term for what is actually going on, at least I'm just about rid of any malicious or spiteful thoughts that seem to have come up recently. And that cleansing itself is quite.. relieving. After all, it's impossible for me or anyone to ever know exactly how another person perceives anything, even if they think they can exchange their perspectives through communication, art, actions, or anything. That leaves us to overcome our own ignorance and superiority problems and connect with the world by unconditionally trusting other people's points of view and intentions.
Especially since as of right now, I don't think I trust my own perspective much.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 03:05:13 GMT

p.s. happy new year!
p.p.s. so xanga got kind of.. hard to update. the new update thing doesn't work for me, and the plain one is kind of.. really plain. i don't know. anyway, yeah, so i'm kind of sad that i can't make pretty posts.